UNIVERSITY STUDY PROVES REPUBLICANS ACTUALLY SELF-LOATHING HOMOSEXUALS

A major university released the findings of a recent decades-long scientific study proving that Republicans are actually closeted, self-loathing homosexuals. The study cited the anger often exhibited toward gay people and the so-called "homosexual lifestyle" as sexual confusion and tortuous internal conflict, turned outward toward society.

MORNING SNARK 1 -- Lindsay Lohan Free at Last!

Not since Nelson Mandela emerged from the bowels of a South African prison has justice been so well served. She is checking right in to rehab, which will commence with a short statement, essentially a request for privacy during this difficult time, followed by an informal cocktail reception.


Ellen's gone. Kara's gone. And the manhunt begins to find a human organ transplant for this dying enterprise. Giving American Idol new judges is like giving Sophia Loren another facelift. Harry Connick was auditioning so heavy for the job I thought he was going to actually crap charm and piss whimsy. Liza Minelli? She's dead. It's just that no one's told her. Steven Tyler? Replace the Coke cups with Stoli. No one replaces Simon Cowell, although with all his expertise as a music producer how is it that when left to his own devices with all the world's musicians at his disposal, the best he could come up with was Il Divo? Four tuxedoed operatic metrosexuals? The Beatles meet the Gay Mens choir. Living proof that it's much easier to slam people trying to do something creative than to actually do something creative.


I have come to the conclusion that there's an extra "m" in Mormon.